From as young as I can remember, I knew I wasn't of this earth. I knew my soul didn't originate from here. I knew I was a visitor. Don’t tell me how I knew. I just knew and I was as certain about this as there are stars in the sky. It was the only thing that made sense to me in my perplexing and non-sensical existence. I knew I had a ‘mission,’ and that I was here for a cause that felt so much bigger than myself. I just didn’t have the details, therefore I couldn’t answer a lot of my own questions which led to some inner conflicts. I lived my life feeling incredibly observed by something, as though I had a keeper, a watcher, a guardian, or something along those lines. I also felt that I wasn’t a vibrational match to the earth, even when I struggled to have the language to describe it as so. Hearing the word ‘Starseed,’ almost 20 years later was a revelation that saved my life. Everything came together in a powerful moment. Language served me. It always does.
**Starseed**
Individuals with cosmic origins whose souls have agreed to incarnate here on planet Earth on a deeply held mission to assist in the process of planetary ascension. Starseeds are children of the stars with a deep sense of purpose who seek spiritual growth and a deeper understanding of their place within the universe.
I just didn’t belong and no amount of denying this or pretending otherwise satiated that ache even if for a while. I had visceral memories of elsewhere, and this place felt so near yet so far, far, away. I would sob and sob and sob into sleep reaching for those loving and lively colourful textures. Often I would find them, and it served me breath, resilience, and poetry.
My hostile environment would catapult me there during sleep to recharge my dampened spirit and aching body. The next day I would wake up fully vitalised and buzzing from the rejuvenation. Those embraces would stir within my subconscious and I would turn to the page and write longing love songs and poetry about this other place. I didn’t understand the unrest and longing that created the warfare inside my petite body but I would always recognise when I had been ‘home,’ and that was everything to me. It was my survival. I came back renewed in love with joy emanating from my heart. It was such a sadness to me that I never got to share these essences with anyone. This would have made all the difference. It really would have. We didn’t do acts of love or service in my family. It was such a sharp, terrifying, and uncomfortable experience to stand fully in love and connection with others. A simple ‘I love you,’ felt wrong and shameful to say, not because I didn’t feel it but because my default was feelings of unworthiness and feeling small. And small was a comfort, anything that made me bigger, that demanded more space, that allowed me to grow an inch taller was threatening. So I would swallow it down. I was made to feel ashamed of having such strong feelings. I had to turn them inwards because they had nowhere else to go. I was never taught or shown that I could keep those sacred loving reserves for myself, so I eventually buried it all deep within the soil of my earth and locked it all away. I have no idea where those abandoned places are now. I never cared enough to remember. I desire to unearth those stockpiles of inner joy and all-encompassing love one day. I feel them calling me from time to time urging me to remember, but I am more cold than warm in discovering those hiding places. My true north could be anywhere at this point. In my disorientated state I haven’t known where to start. I guess that’s what my journey has been thus far; finding my bearings.
So how else did I know I was not of this earth?
I honoured the below memories as they arose, there is no importance to the order.
I was fascinated with space-themed documentaries or films, especially those that explored the possibility of life on other planets, or anything with an unexplainable or esoteric edge to the storytelling; life after death, premonitions, psychic phenomena …etc. It’s perhaps hard to imagine these days with such a saturation of new-age practitioners and followers making this stuff mainstream and openly channelling galactic beings from other star systems, but when I was 11 years old, there weren’t any conversations about this stuff, it was radical, left-field, and risky to even entertain those ideas without being classed as mentally obscure.
I had vivid and recurring dreams of travelling at high speed through the stars. I would usually have memories of being on board a spacecraft. There were so many variations. Sometimes I would be deep in space and alone, other times I would be established as part of a team and others were with me. There were also times I was ‘taken,’ and I would wake up lucidly on a spacecraft surrounded by extra-terrestrial beings, you know, big heads, small eyes, and grey skin type beings.
I would also have recurring dreams and visions of seeing Planet Earth from space and knowing I was down there living a life, and I always felt sadness for that part of me that was separate from this perspective. But the honour I felt for doing so was insurmountable.
I dreamt vividly of intricate symbols and signs as a child. Like a language or intelligent way of communicating, I always struggled to bring the full meaning back with me to waking reality from those visions. But their energetic essences always lingered, and I was often able to use the energy to manipulate certain things around me.
I could sense, see, and read energies as a child without question. If something was up, I knew it, and sometimes I would dream it before it happened.
My body felt 'alien,’ I felt strange in my body. I felt displaced within my body. My body felt more wrong than right.
I used to cry for a place I had no proof even existed. But could see, smell, taste, touch, hold, wear….and I was truly heartbroken I couldn’t get back there and stay for good. Existing as I was felt like heavy baggage and not something I was accepting lightly. I would often get down on my hands and knees and pray to leave Earth, even if that meant my time would completely be up. I didn’t care if I had to die to get back there. (However, the watcher, keeper, and guardian energy that I mentioned earlier made it clear I couldn’t just exit the system and would find ways to encourage me to stay)
I felt soooooooo different to the family I was born into. Like I was just plonked there. I felt no deep affinity or union. Of course I loved them, but I just felt like an outsider. An odd, useless, and worthless mistake being there with them.
I was often accused of being 'too sensitive,' or told “don’t take everything to heart,” by peers, teachers, and adults. I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and I couldn’t reason with it. My sensitivity was seen as a weakness. It never made sense to me when they said that. Like where else was I supposed to take mean things said about me?
I just had this knowing that everything wasn't as it seemed. I knew as a society we were being lied to from all directions. The news stories felt like scripts playing out. Pre-planned events burst into fruition. Much like when we go to the theatre to watch the work of many creatives put together. The blueprint of a 9-5, an annual one-week holiday, buying a house, getting married, nice car on the driveway etc felt absurd to me from a very young age, I am talking 6,7,8 years of age. I couldn’t get my head around it, let alone lean into those expectations.
I had this urge and desire to uncover the 'meaning of life,' from as far back as my memories will allow. It drew me to esoterical books seeking ‘something' else,’ When other kids were doing kid stuff I was reading about the afterlife, witchcraft, and mediumship. I always found parts of me resonating in those books. It wasn’t fully formed, I just connected in ways I couldn’t elsewhere. They were a huge comfort in a tumultuous time.
Just looking at the stars unearthed a deep sadness and conflict within the seat of my soul. I carried this sadness around with me everywhere.
I NEEDED more connections to a Source to survive it all, and I knew it. I was drawn to religion when I was 8,9,10 years old and even younger, and voluntarily devoted my life to Christ at 11 years old - I didn't grow up going to Church and we were not a religious family. I just had an inclination and desire to feel close to Jesus. I needed him, and I found him, or perhaps he found me. I took an oath at such a young age to devote my life to him.
I spent most of my childhood alone (and battling deep depression). I was often rejected by friends and peers. I never knew why but at the same time I knew it was because I was so different. I had to fake it, forge it, and force it. I never got any joy from doing the things other people were doing like smoking, drinking, and partying, (early teens) but I did it because I wanted a ‘ticket,’ into a group where I could identify with earthly life and these odd human beings around me. But I was never cool enough and my forcing of it all could be seen a mile off. My desperation was incredibly tangible and often made me the laughing stock or the scapegoat. And I never had any of the interests these people had, you know like coming-of-age stuff like handbags, and jewellery, cool accessories, and boy crushes. Nope. Not me. I was too deep in the fight of existence to worry about that and my dream-time was taking me to other realms and showing me beyond the veil so…..you know, I just had other things going on but it didn’t change the loneliness I felt or made the rejection more palatable. I just wanted to be like everyone else for a long, long, time at least then I could JOIN IN.
So what does my experience look like today as an adult?
What foundation was being built in all of this? What came of that bewildered, longing, and bent-out-of-shape child?
Join me in Pt.5, my next piece where I join the dots…
Have you felt the same? Can you resonate? Are you a Starseed?
Let me know your colours! As always I’d love to connect.
Wow! That really resonates with me. Can't wait to read the next.